Other than learning lots of new things and starting to get to know other candidates, there are a few things that stand out for me over this last term.
- I am needing even more to consider carefully how I use my time, how I prioritise what I do, what I do and when. With more to do, and more consequences if I don't do them, I'm having to be intentional, and, dare I say it, disciplined, in my decision-making. (I don't think it's a coincidence that I was asked to preach on this very thing during this last term! - discipline and advanced decison-making)
- I am learning a lot of new stuff. It is engaging parts of my brain that haven't been used this much in a long time. I am finding it to be stimulating and exhausting.
I am doing topics that I am really interested in, so it is easy to be motivated to go to class, and I can easily make connections between what I am learning and how I can apply it in ministry.
But it tires me out! I struggle to stay awake in the evenings, when it would have been normal for me to have been powering on well past midnight. I get quite overwhelmed at times as I consider all the things I need to do, and wonder when I can do them, especially now that it is no longer possible to keep working into the small hours of the night, and expect to be functional for work the next morning.
- I decided that I would also take up something new, something to build up skills in an area that I am interested in and need to do more of, and something that will challenge my fears. I have only told a few people about this, mainly because I am a little nervous about it. So, for now, I won't name what it is. (It isn't extreme, or illegal, in fact, most people when they find out, will say, "oh, is that all?").
Anyway, learning this new thing has been quite an experience in learning so much more about myself. I need to think carefully about what I am doing and I need to rehearse new actions and unlearn old ones. My teacher tells me that practice makes permanent - a challenge to get it right each time I rehearse this new skill.
It has been another thing to try to squeeze into my life, but it has been good to start learning this new skill, and I really enjoying getting to know my teacher, who is encouraging and dynamic - such a joy to spend time with.
- I have struggled with the new 'hats' that I am now wearing (or roles that I play in life). When on campus, I have found it difficult to switch between my work hat and my student/candidate hat. I worked through strange emotions that popped up unexpectedly: resentment, anger, sadness, jealousy. There were a few people that I was able to talk to about this, who helped me to see that this wasn't weird, and who gave me some really helpful advice and support. I've developed some routines to help me transition between work and lectures. I've started to put boundaries in place to help me and others understand which hat I am wearing, and therefore what is reasonable or unreasonable to expect me to do or discuss. This is a work-in-progress. I imagine it will take some time before I can easily transition between the many hats I am currently managing.
- Finally, there was a little voice that was telling me that I wouldn't cope with study. That when I went to Uni years ago, I was only studying music. It was mainly practical stuff, not intellectual / thinking / intelligent-writing stuff. So, how would I cope with a degree in theology?
Well, so far I have found the first year subjects to be engaging, understandable and enjoyable. And, when I got back my first marked assignment, I was completely gob-smacked to see that I received a HD! That has been a definite boost in my confidence!
