It's been ages since I last blogged. I have been unusually quiet.
This was highlighted to me today ....
At least 2 people asked me today – one during a lecture break, and the other while at work: "Why are you so quiet?" (or words to that effect)
I hadn’t realised that I was being so quiet, so it’s good that people are willing to reflect that back to me, and that they care enough to ask.
The question has left me pondering. Why am I so quiet? Is this a recent thing… just related to the Intensive 2 weeks I’m in, or is it more than that?
I think there are a few answers:
1. Intensives: I’m nearing the end of a 2-week intensive, where I attend lectures in the morning, then ‘change hats’ and report for work (at the same institution) for the afternoon. Evenings have been spent reading in preparation for the next morning’s lecture. Transitioning from lecture to work has been difficult. I have found it hard to switch my brain between the two very different modes.
The Unit is “Introduction to Christian Theology”. I have really enjoyed the lectures and readings. We’ve discussed history, philosophy, doctrine, and wrapped our brains around lots of new words, phrases and ideas. The thing is, with each new idea, I can’t help but consider what I think of it – do I agree? What do I believe? There have been many moments when I have fully agreed, some where I’ve been quite cross about what Christians taught years ago, and others that have completely puzzled me.
So, I reckon the first reason why I’m quiet is simply that I’m doing a lot of internal processing, which I’m not quite ready to articulate, and then finding it difficult to re-set my brain as I walk across the car park from lecture room to work.
2. Change: As I begin my second year as a candidate for minister of the Word, I am feeling very aware of the impact that study and my preparation for ministry is having on me, my family and other aspects of my life. The last few months especially have been difficult as we as a family have worked through some big decisions. I think life could be so much simpler and so much easier if I just threw up my arms and said, “Enough!... This is too hard”. I could withdraw and seek a simpler life.
but… everything in me wants to serve, wants to express my gifts for ministry, wants to do it well, and wants to do it now! The financial need to work full-time, while I study part-time to prepare for ministry is going to ease, ….one day. And while I’m working at College, part of the team, I have the most amazing opportunities, which I’m most grateful for.
3. Confidence: as I learn more and more, I realise how little I know. This has had quite an impact on my self-confidence (which isn't normally high at the best of times). I’m less willing to speak up – it will only prove to others that I have no idea what I’m talking about!
I know this is quite ridiculous and illogical – it’s a stage I’m going through, and I hope it will pass quickly.
Part of me is being suppressed – and it is I who is doing the suppressing.
Hopefully, my next blog will be less self-focused!
